Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “Ok, now what?
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Funniest joke I’ve heard is this:
How do you unload babies from the back of a truck?
Use a pitchfork.
Suppose its all in the delivery..
Hmm……
Here are some great threads bursting with jokes over at MeFi.
http://www.metafilter.com/comments.mefi/20494 and http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/13270.
My favourite:
Everyone’s heard this joke. It’s still the best-
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “I can’t seem to get her started. Can you give me a push??”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Honey, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, in the swing.”
and
Jesus is hanging on the cross, when he looks down and weakly calls out, “John…”
Wanting to hear the final words of the lord, John makes his way towards the base of the cross but is stopped by guards who break both of his legs and throw him back down the small hill.
After pulling himself up, John looks to the cross and still hears Jesus saying, “John…John”
Again, he pulls himself up the hill towards the cross, but again the guards beat him, this time until both of his arms are broken and push him back down the small hill.
After regaining consciousness, John looks up to the cross one last time, still hearing his name being called. Slowly, but surely, he crawls up the hill while in constant pain, and this time the guards let him pass, thinking there is no harm he can do in his condition.
Exhausted upon reaching the base of the cross, John looks up to Jesus and utters the words, “Yes, my Lord?”
Jesus looks down and then out across the land and says, “John… I can see your house from here.”
those last two are funnier than the world’s funniest joke, i tell ya. hee hee!