I am content

It happened by accident too. I didn’t make any conscious effort to get here. I trundled along and look where I ended up. Content. As snug as a bug in a rug. I think I deserve it too.
I won’t lie. The last few years have taken their toll. I’m wiser. I’ve gained that only by losing something else. I lost the ability to trust blindly. It was a straight out swap.
When you lose someone the worst thing that someone can say to you is “time heals”. You know it is true but you want to grieve. Time can wait. Wait till I’m done grieving dammit. I haven’t stopped yet either but the pain is slightly less piercing. I thought I could look at their pictures and watch their videos and not feel much but I was wrong. It is easier however. Oh yes. And though I hold this pain inside me still I console myself with reports of their safety and this keeps me going. I am content with this. This way of dealing with their memory. I am scared sometimes of that memory fading but I know deep inside this will never happen.
Happy is further away but I’m content. This contentment is through necessity but it is there all the same. Content with all that is around me and all that is inside. I’m finally dealing. Thank you.